I've moved!

Hey everyone just to let you know I think Ive decided to move to WordPress, so my new address is

http://laurasworthlesswords.wordpress.com

Please update your links and follow me there, sorry to be such a pain!
Also Ive tried adding my blog links in if Ive left anyone out I apologise and please let me know, bear with me Im still trying to get used to the different settings etc.

On the up

So after much contemplating I just thought why prolong it any longer just do it, and so last night I upped my calories. I know some people have suggested just not having a plan at all and while this sounds lovely and really nice, I`m one of these people who has a really hard time knowing what they want to eat, I can spend like half an hour even just deciding do I want a strawberry or a raspberry. I`m to scared to just go for it as well and see what I feel like eating, I'm not sure Id make it up to the right level and I also am a walking book of calories, I know the calorie content of foods to much to just lose the control really. I think for now its best to stick a plan at least then I know roughly where I stand.

One of my reasons for upping it was I've been reading other peoples blogs and seeing how far they push themselves even though it causes them fear and anxiety they do it anyway and they really push themselves. Ive also seen how others have been enjoying their lives by going out with friends, going out for dinner and doing things I would love to be doing as well and I know these things just aren't possible while being controlled by an ED.

Sophia said, Wherever you go, ED will follow, so first you need to crush him down and from then on, your future will be so bright no matter where you go. I really am putting trust in this, that if I make a good push that hopefully I will just be able to mentally overcome this as well and regain my life and my future back.

Speaking of future possibilities tomorrow is another interview. I'm not entirely sure what this job entails though so I`m kind of desperately looking up the net trying to find something so when they ask me what I expect I`ll be asked to do, I can at least give a half decent answer.

I got another two interview dates though! The final two jobs I applied for have given me dates, they aren't till the second week of August though. I really would like one of them, its as a trainee Pharmacy Technician. I think this would give me good experience for if I applied to Uni and if I didn't it would leave me with more options I think, I think I could progress more career wise in that job or just save more money to go travelling with!

Onto some snacks:

PM snack: Milkshake with a Smores Luna Bar

I photographed this and then thought you know it would have been a good idea to snap the photo before I had eaten most of it, but you get the idea! My parents went to Canada a while back and were nice enough to bring me back a few Luna bars:-). I had been building myself up to eat one as a snack so today I decided to try one. It was really nice, I wasn't particularly hungry so it was good because I really don't think they would fill you up.

A tad sweet but not to much. I tried a Clif bar a few months ago and I found it was just a bit to sickening sweet tasting but these were definitely good. I wish we could get them here!

Well I hope and pray that I can cope and keep this up, I`m off now to get my stuff ready for tomorrow.

Have a great night everyone

xox

Thinkings

Your comments all really gave me something to think about. I think in a way I am just looking to run away and unfortunately that is not the answer to my problems.

The rational side of me has come out a little more today and got me thinking again about my meal plan and that I should just up it and deal with it. The sooner I gain the weight the sooner my life gets back, right? Why prolong the agony?

So I thought I would try really hard this week to ensure I did meet my current aim and to try to rest a bit more and then next week I would up it to make sure I was at 2500 calories, which seems to be what people recommend you take in. It seems so much though. Ive also been stressing like mad over how to get the extra calories in, one way is just to add another supplement drink in.

My whole idea with the drinks was that I would eat a normal meal plan and use the drinks to add extra which could then be easily removed when I reach maintenance stage. This however has kind of left me with dinner etc at lowish number of calories I guess? I'm just not sure, like what is a normal amount of calories to eat during a day, what is a normal amount of calories for a lunch and for dinner, I just don't know? So then I dont know how to create a plan based around this.

So I guess for now I`ll maybe stick to the plan just to try to get the calories in and work on the rest after.

Part of me thinks though, why prolong the wait, why not just take that extra drink tonight. Well I haven't even met my current aim yet so Ive failed there, ohhh the little wars that go on in my head!

Sorry to bore you all with that but I get so stressed and worried about what to eat and how much to eat and how to go about it at times. I hope you can kind of see what I'm trying to get at though.

Tonight I had quite a plain looking dinner, but it was a little challenge, it was salmon. I've never had proper salmon before ( just little bits mixed into maybe a ready meal or something), I generally avoided it because its one of the fattier fishes. I'm coming to slowly realise though, fat is not to be avoided or scared of, it won't make me fat, excess calories puts on weight not fat. It was nice although it was overdone, I grilled it and its to hard to get it cooked through without burning so I think next time I`ll bake it in the oven.

Dinner: Salmon with new baby potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower

I've lost interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy and used to believe in. Pre-ed I was very into alternative therapies and angels etc but I've even lost my connection with that.

I'm a bit worried about the loss of connection with my angels, I really believed in them before my ED and really communicated with them. Now I feel as though when I pray to them its as though my heart isn't in it anymore and its falling on deaf ears, like they are annoyed at how I have neglected them and turned my back on them.Thats basically what I have done turned my back on them,only using them when I want something. I feel as though I've lost my relationship there.

The same applies for when I pray at nights, its as though I just ramble off my prayer and thats it and that I only pray to God when I want something or only do it because I feel I have to. I wish my connection with God was stronger. I don't go to church but Id like to be more involved and learn more, I think God is cross with me. I would be very scared to die because in all honesty I just don't know where I would end up after.

Ok sorry for such an epic post! I got a bit side tracked there. I`m half considering moving to wordpress, Ive seen others do it and I`m thinking maybe I might to. I find here can be quite fiddly to work with pictures and layouts at times, as well as I have a post written nicely spaced out and then it posts it entirely different! Just wondering what anyone thought? No-one might read me anymore if I move! hehe

Have a great day everyone,

xox

Choices

Firstly, thank you all for such wonderful words of encouragement, I'm really touched so many of you took the time to say those things. It really helps as well to know others have experienced similar struggles and come through it.

There is so much I would love to do I just don't know where to begin. As you all know I've been debating about going back to uni, getting a new job etc. Yesterday I just really really wanted to pack up, leave and go somewhere, away from here and away from everything.

Sounds nice doesn't it? Then a little voice in my head said, but are you just trying to run away? I know that running away doesn't solve my problem because at the end of the day my problem is my ED and myself and it goes with me!

I've tried the whole escape to another country thing before as well, I headed off to Barcelona and did a course in teaching English and ending up losing more weight and plummeting further into my ED.

I'm just torn at the minute, I`m thinking the sensible thing to do is just get a new job and work and try to deal with recovering with my ED. I could then also go back to uni, get a degree and get a 'proper' job and so my future would be a little more secure perhaps.

Then again my thoughts just drift, I was looking at au pair jobs yesterday in Spain and I realised there are so many opportunities I would love to do but just cant all because of my ED.

This brought me to my other option, pick a date, book a flight to ( Australia or wherever) and just go for it and aim to be back up to a healthy weight for then and head off and enjoy myself, working those little jobs you can do abroad. This sounds great but I worry then that I could be damaging my future career wise because really I don't have any skills/qualifications and I worry that when I get older I might struggle job wise etc.

For some reason though that above idea sounds so appealing. I just wish someone would look into a crystal ball and tell me what to do.

My mum is still on my back, it feels as though she is nagging all the time at me. I know its because shes just worried but she really doesn't get it or understand properly. She says just gain weight and everything will be fine, she doesn't realise that although gaining weight does help it doesn't just make the ED magically disappear. Like if I woke up tomorrow at my previous healthy weight, I don't think my ED would just suddenly vanish.

Oh the choices, there are to many and I'm such an indecisive person, I really don't know what to do.

Last night I made my absolute favourite dinner, seafood mix, I even managed a little bit of olive oil tonight. It was less than 1/2 teaspoon but every little counts!

Dinner: Seafood mix ( prawns, scallops, squid rings), broccoli, cauliflower lightly fried in olive oil with hoisin sauce and ww spaghetti.

Repetitive again I know but we can't all be budding Nigellas.

Going shopping today to try and find my sister a birthday present. I have no clue what to get her and I hate just buying stuff for the sake of trying to get a present.

I guess what I should really try and keep telling myself is, I didn't choose to have an ED but I can choose not to. I just need to figure things out.

Melons and oh the choices!

For some reason last night it came into my head that I haven't eaten any melon in ages, so I decided that I'd get one today when I was at the supermarket.

The only problem was when I got there, there were just to many different varieties! There was Honeydew, Cantaloupe, Galia and Watermelon ( forgive my spelling if those are wrong), and I just didn't know which to pick. I know what watermelon is like, but the difference between the rest I just didn't know?!?! So I ended up leaving it until I'm better informed about which to pick, I guess that's another silly little ED thing, wanting to make the perfect choice even when its something as simple as a piece of fruit. Anyone any preferences when it comes to melons?

I raided my own fruit supply at home instead :-), my strawberries are pretty much finished but my raspberries are growing very nicely. I had some yesterday as part of my breakfast.

Raspberries, plum and soya nuts (also had oatmeal/milk/raisins, just incase you thought all I ate was a bowl of raspberries for breakfast!)

Then todays lunch I decided to try a wholemeal roll for a change it was nice, I managed to sneak a shot at my desk. Also had some Babybel cheese but I ate that and some of my veggies before I got the pic.

Lunch: WW roll with chicken, tomatoes, spinach, beetroot, peppers and babybel cheese

I`m getting quite bored with my food options, I think I'm becoming stuck in a rut. I feel like I just eat the same stuff over and over again.

I heard back from one of the other jobs I applied for, I have an interview next Thursday! So hopefully this one will go better than my last one. This job is in a better location for me as well, its only like 5 mins away from where I currently work so it would be great if it went well.

The thing is I`m really worried about these jobs if I did get one because I'm not totally sure what they involve and so I'm not sure how active I`ll be or how much I`ll get to stand. This is really controlling my life even down to deciding what jobs to apply for. I am really struggling with my activity I just cannot sit, not necessarily having to be walking about or anything but I stand all the time, even at work I`m on my feet the whole time. The thought of sitting just petrifies me for some reason. Has anyone experienced this? How did you overcome it? I am really worried that I`ll never be able to break this exercise cycle, Id love to be able to sit all day and eat normally and not worry about it.

I am starting to see the advantages of people going in-patient and to clinics and things because then they are made to stop exercising etc and that breaks it for them. My mum had a go at me tonight over how much I stand etc, she said shes more worried about it than my eating now. To be honest I`m worried to. If I know some day I will have to sit etc I cut back on my food, ugh its a horrible vicious cycle. Sorry to keep rambling on about it but its just something I really am struggling with.

Back to work

Back to work today after my week off. It ended up being quite a busy day because I had a whole weeks worth of money and post to get through. My totals didn't work out right at the end either and I thought I had it fixed but now thinking back on the situation I'm not sure I did actually fix it the right way but the other girl in the office is off all this week and I need her before I can fix it but it should be ok anyhow.

Not really looking forward to this week, since shes off I`m limited to how much I can do, so its going to be a pretty boring week.

Anyhow I had my big interview on Friday. I managed to miss the exit on the motorway for the hospital and then didn't really know how to work my way back so I ended up with a mini tour of Belfast before I finally made it there!

My ability test went ok it was easy enough and then sitting outside the interview room I started talking to another girl who was waiting to go in. I asked her if she had done anything like this before and she said no, so immediately I thought yay! Then she dropped the line that she just happened to be a final year Biomed student, so that was a real confidence booster for me going in, not!

The actual interview, I think I really should have just stamped the word idiot on my head and then walked in, I have never talked the biggest load of rubbish in all my life. It was one of those situations where you get tongue tied and end up saying the most stupid things. Afterwards I really wanted to go back in and say please ignore all that, I`m really not as stupid as I sound.

So I think its fair to say, I have not got the job.

To comfort myself after I went shopping and picked up this:

Its a cute little jacket from New Look, it was in the sale so I thought, why not!

I have to admit when it comes to things ED, I`m struggling a bit at the minute. I'm managing a little at nights to sit more and relax so that's good but still during the day is a struggle activity wise.

All this week as well Ive just been a bottomless pit, its like even after eating something I was still hungry and I tried drinking lots of water and that just didn't help either, maybe I stretched out my stomach by drinking to much. This also led to some unfortunate incidents, Ive got into such a bad habit now of eating at night before bed even after a snack, like picking a bits and pieces of things. I have such control all day, I'm so strict and rigid and then at night I just nibble away. Its a terrible habit.

I'm struggling to really keep making that push, I'm just so tired and fed up and depressed, its all due to my ED but still I'm hanging onto it. Last night though I really really wanted to feel deadly thin again, I'm sorry if that triggers anyone but I just remember what it felt like to be empty inside and empty all over, just fading into nothing and I really wanted that empty nothing feeling again. I never will get back to being like that again though I hope, I'm to weak to restrict heavily now like I used to anyhow.

My camera blurred up so my lunch pic isn't great but it tasted so good, actually the pic gives it a bit of a dreamy effect and it was a pretty dreamy lunch :-)

Lunch: WW wrap with prawns,peppers, tomatoes, spinach, cucumber, cheese and a little bit of mayo

This was so good, I toasted it in the grill to make the cheese melt and it was divine. I've had a bit of a cheese craving recently, this really made me say to myself this is why having an ED is just so not worth it.

Never leave things to the last minute

A lesson we should all pay attention to, never leave things to the last minute.


Yesterday I decided that I would leave looking over some stuff online for my UKCAT test until the night when Id have a bit more time to read it in peace.
Well dad was off work yesterday and was cutting hedges outside and guess what he also managed to cut as well, the phone line! So that meant no Internet and no practise questions! As you can imagine I was not a happy bunny, luckily though I had a book which had a few questions in it, so I gave that a flick over.

So I took the test today after all, we are looking after my sisters kids for the next three days and I figured I had a choice this morning, them or the test, the test won.
I'm not to sure about the whole scoring system, you get marked on four sections and then I think most Universities will look at an average of the four and I think I have scored enough to make it worth while applying!!! I`m actually really surprised at how I did because I didn't get it all finished in time but I still managed to do a lot better than I had thought! Yay!
So this now means I do have the option of applying this year if I decide to so I'm glad that door is open for me. I haven't told anyone that I'm thinking about it, I snuck out this morning at like 7:30 telling mum I was going shopping.
I just don't want people to know because for one I'm still not sure its a good idea and also I don't want to deal with constant questions or having to admit that I get rejected by the Unis again or something.
Id rather do this myself and on my own.

So I`m relieved to get that out of the way and I also got my outfit sorted today for Friday. Its not your typical interview looking outfit but I think I should be able to pass it off.

Yesterday I decided to play around a little with my lunch and ended up with a really really nice mixture.
It was roasted red peppers stuffed with a mixture of quinoa with harissa, crab, fine beans, tomatoes and cucumber.
I've posted the recipe below, it was so good. I had the quinoa again later but instead I made a pilaf type thing with chicken and broccoli.

Roasted red pepper stuffed with quinoa and crab

• Pepper
• Quinoa
• Harissa
• Crab ( You could use chicken, prawns, tofu, anything else that takes your fancy)
• Additional veg ( I used tomatoes, fine green beans, cucumber)

1. Cut your pepper in half and deseed. Then place this on a baking tray and sprinkle a little garlic over and some olive oil. Roast this in the oven at 180C for approx 20-30mins, just keep your eye on it.
2. Measure out your quinoa and rinse in water. Then boil it in some vegetable stock for approx 15mins until the grains go clear.
3. Mix a little harissa paste into your quinoa, I used about a little less than 1/2 teaspoon.
4. Mix in your other vegetables and crab
5. Stuff into your peppers
6. Enjoy!

It was so good, I`ll definitely be making it again.

Have a great day everyone!

xox